Family

  
All I Have Commanded, Chapter 9
by Dan Bentley and E. Jay O'Keefe
 

Important Note: The “one-liners” for each command are provided in order to get a quick grasp of the entire category of commands. They can be read at a single sitting, which we recommend doing. But they are not a substitute for the full text. We urge you to read every full reference from the Scriptures in its context.

FROM JESUS

MATTHEW
5:28, 31-32 Do not commit adultery. Do not lust. Do not divorce for any reason other than adultery.
19:3-12 Whoever divorces other than for adultery, and remarries, commits adultery.

LUKE
14:26-27 No one can be my disciple unless he hates his own family members, and even his own life.

FROM THE APOSTLES

1 CORINTHIANS
7:1-5 Husband and wife, fulfill your sexual duty to each other.
7:6-9 If an unmarried widow, stay single, unless you lack sexual self control, then remarry.
7:10-11 Do not divorce, but if your spouse deserts you, remain unmarried or be reunited.
7:12-16 If married to an unbeliever who consents, remain together. If he departs, let him leave.
7:17-29 Remain in your calling unless it is immoral to do so.
7:39-40 If married, don’t seek release. If unmarried, don’t seek marriage.
7:39-40 If your spouse dies, you are free to remarry.

EPHESIANS
5:22-24 Wives, be subject to your own husbands as unto the Lord.
5:25-32 Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church.
5:33 Husbands, love your wives as yourselves. Wives, respect your husbands.
6:1-3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord. Honor your father and mother.
6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.
6:4 Fathers, raise your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

COLOSSIANS
3:18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them.
3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things.
3:21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart.

1 TIMOTHY
5:3-7 Honor widows, but if she has children or grandchildren, let them first care for her.
5:8 Whoever fails to provide for his own family has denied the faith.
5:11-15 Do not provide for the younger widows, who should marry, rather than be idle.
5:16 If a believing woman has dependent widows, let her assist them. 

TITUS
2:3-5 Older women, be reverent, not gossips, that you may encourage the younger women.

HEBREWS
13:4 Let the marriage bed be undefiled, for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

1 PETER
3:1-2 Wives, be submissive to your own husbands…let them observe your respectful behavior.
3:3-6 Wives, let not your adornment be merely external – braiding of the hair, etc.
3:3-6 Wives, let your adornment be a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious to the Lord.
3:7 Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel.
3:7 Husbands, grant her honor as a fellow heir of grace, that your prayers be not hindered.

NOTES AND COMMENTS

Before you read this, know how pained we are to open up any old wounds. These notes can only serve to point you to God’s word. We will deal with the hard questions, but only He can answer the hard questions. We love you.

We would like for you to use your imagination for a few moments. We want you to consider the church universal and its relationship to one thing. Marriage. Go back and look at the commands concerning the various ways to enter and exit a marriage according to Jesus’ and His apostles’ teachings. MT 19:3-12, MK 10:12, 1 COR 7:6-9, 1COR 7:10-11, 1COR 7:12-16, 1 COR 7:17-29, 1 COR 7:39-40, 1 TIM 5:11-15.

OK, that set of commandments is in our minds. Now, pretend that we are talking about right now, and begin to allow your imagination to work. What has happened in the past is irrelevant because we are unable to do anything about it. Sin is still in the world. Adultery still occurs. But something new happens. The entire church collectively decides it will follow precisely and without exception, all of Jesus’ and Paul’s commandments concerning marriage and divorce. The rest of the world continues to operate exactly as it does now.

The divorce rate for the church begins to drop immediately. In fact, world wide, many divorced couples announce their intention to reunite in marriage. Men whose wives divorced them because of an adulterous relationship with other women no longer pursue those relationships, but remain celibate and single while seeking a caring and forgiving relationship with their ex-wives and the children of their marriage.

Women who are divorced, or in the process of becoming divorced from their husbands, drop law suits against them, and the husbands provide more than the wife was asking for in the law suit. A man explains that his divorce has given him the opportunity to see how Christ loves the world, and how the Father loves adulterous Israel. His love for his ex-wife is, for the first time since he met her, selfless. Many who were involved in affairs stop, confess their adultery to their mate, and some remain married. Some don’t. But all receive forgiveness. The married remain married and begin to grow spiritually as one, and are commended. The singles remain single and grow spiritually, and are commended. Your own imagination could add more. 

The world doesn’t change, but it looks at those involved as the Church and sees something it hasn’t seen in a long time, and knows that the Church has something it can never possess outside of it’s fellowship.

Paul said in 1 COR 7:26, “I think then that this is good in view of the present distress, that it is good for a man to remain as he is.” In view of the present distress, how shall we respond to these things? With just the audacity to adhere to God’s “unreasonable” edicts concerning this one thing, what would the Church look like today?

Let’s go ahead and deal with the most disturbing passages of this section. All of us know, or are related to, or are ourselves divorced and remarried. We have a vested interest in what Jesus and Paul had to say about divorce. So what shall we do? Dismiss the parts of Scripture that offend us, or deal with them? Here they are in front of you. Take a good look.

Jesus on the family records only three commands. Two have to do with adultery and divorce. One has to do with our relationship to Jesus as opposed to our relationship to family and self. Think about this. What if these three passages speak of the same thing? Being Christ’s disciple, being one of the “Church,” culminates in coronation in the future as part of the “Bride of Christ.” We are betrothed to Him. Only believers will be included in that event. The marriage of the Lamb and marriage on earth have extreme parallelism. Maybe even typology. Divorce is not an option in the Lamb’s marriage. Adultery is intolerable, but if it occurs, the two parties either remain celibate or reunite.

You can sense God’s attitude toward adultery and divorce by simply reading through these commands. You also sense it as you read through the Old Testament, and note how He refers to Israel’s unfaithfulness to Him as adultery, and as you read such statements as, “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because God was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel…”

Israel repeatedly committed adultery. She is now separated from God, but as an entity will be reunited with Him for the millennium. Remarriage to another after divorce in this scenario is unimaginable. Forgiveness and restoration is imaginable.

Substitute the Church and Israel as the appropriate marriage partners in these commands and see if it doesn’t make sense as to why the commands seem so explicit. Then take all of Paul’s statements about how husbands and wives should treat each other, and put them ahead of the commands about divorce. If even one of the parties obeys the commands, can you conceive that legitimate grounds for divorce exist after that?

(Optional: Did you notice that Paul’s commands to both marriage partners are unconditional………….not dependent on the other party fulfilling his instructions?)

Do you think Paul needed to tell you to love your wife? Yes he did. You found out she was human. Your needs and expectations weren’t met. Love her even more. The less your needs are met, the more you must love her.

SUMMARY OF COMMANDS TO HUSBANDS AND WIVES

TO BOTH PARTNERS: Fulfill your sexual duty to your partner. Be subject to one another as is fitting in the Lord. Do not commit adultery, thus defiling the marriage bed. Discipline yourself sexually.

TO HUSBANDS: Love your wife sacrificially as Christ loves, not to get something out of it. Love your wife as you love yourself. Do not be embittered against your wife. (Sometimes you will have grounds to – don’t do it.) Provide for the material needs of your wife. Live with her in an understanding way, treating her as a delicate vase, and treating her spiritually as an equal.

TO WIVES: Respect your husband and submit to his leadership.

Will divorce be a serious consideration in a home where these commands are kept even when the storms of life rage about it?

SUMMARY OF COMMANDS REGARDING ENTERING AND EXITING MARRIAGE

If single, stay that way, unless you don’t have sexual self control, then marry. When you marry, marry another believer. You can’t marry an unbeliever. Don’t do it. If married, stay married. If you got married before you were a believer, then believed, stay married to the unbeliever. If he deserts you, let him leave, but do not think you can divorce him just because he is an unbeliever. You have the right, but not the obligation, to divorce your partner if he commits adultery. If a believer gets divorced, he is to remain unmarried or be reconciled to his partner. Before you are married, you don’t have the right to fornicate. Judgment will ensue. Being unmarried is less distracting than marriage with regard to our relationship to the Lord.

SUMMARY OF COMMANDS TO PARENTS AND CHILDREN

Children, obey the Lord, obey your parents – in that order. You aren’t bound to obey your parents when they command you to disobey God. Be careful on that one. Fathers, don’t provoke your children to wrath. You can take the wind out of a kid’s sail. Don’t throw your weight around. Keep their hearts secure.

SUMMARY OF COMMANDS REGARDING WIDOWS

The Church is to take care of only godly widows—over the age of sixty, who do not have family to take care of them, including women with means, children, other male family members and grandchildren. All of these are obligated to take care of these widows before the Church is obligated to do so. We wonder if they are to care for them before the government does it as well? Younger widows are to find a man to marry and start another family if physically able to.

OTHER COMMANDS TO WOMEN

If you older women aren’t teaching the younger women, why not? Inner beauty makes the human body transparent. The outer flaws become invisible as the inner beauty shines through.