Interpersonal Relationships

  
All I Have Commanded, Chapter 2
by Dan Bentley and E. Jay O'Keefe

(See chapter 9 for family relationships)
   

Important Note: WE SUGGEST YOU RE-READ THE PREFACE BEFORE STUDYING THIS CHAPTER. The “one-liners” for each command are provided in order to get a quick grasp of the entire category of commands. They can be read at a single sitting, which we recommend doing. But they are not a substitute for the full text, which we suggest you read from the Scriptures in its context. 

FROM JESUS

MATTHEW
5:21-22 Do not murder. (Jesus expands this command to include anger.)
5:23-24 Make it a high priority to be reconciled to anyone who has anything against you.
5:25-26 Settle matters quickly with your adversary at law.
5:28, 31-32 Do not commit adultery. Do not lust . Do not divorce except for adultery. Do not marry a divorced person.
5:33-37 Fulfill your promises. Don’t make any promises which presume on the future. Such promises are evil.
5:38-41 Don’t resist an evil person. If he takes your shirt, give your coat also. Turn the other cheek. Go the extra mile.
5:42 Give to whoever asks of you. Don’t turn away from one who wants to borrow from you.
5:43-47 Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
7:1-5 Don’t condemningly judge another. By doing so you are setting the standard by which you will be judged.
7:6 Don’t give what is holy to dogs or cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample you and tear you to pieces.
7:12 Do to others as you would have them do to you. This summarizes the Law and Prophets.
18:10,14 Don’t despise one of these little ones. It is not God’s will that any of them should perish.
18:15 If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother.
18:16 If he does not listen, take one or two more so that every fact may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.
18:17 If he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church.
18:17 If he refuses the church, let him be as a pagan or tax collector (i.e., don't seek him out.)
18:21-35 Forgive your brother unconditionally as often and as many times as he sins against you.
22:36-40 Love the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind, and your neighbor as yourself.

MARK
11:25-26 Forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that God may forgive your sins. If you don’t forgive, He won’t.

LUKE
6:30-35 Love your enemies. Do good and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great.
6:36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
17:3-4 If your brother sins, rebuke him. If he repents, forgive him, no matter how many times he returns to repent.

JOHN
7:24 Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.
13:34-35 I give you a new commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you, showing you are my disciple.

FROM THE APOSTLES

ROMANS
12:9 Let love be without hypocrisy.
12:10-11 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.
12:14, 17-21 Do not return evil with evil.
12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.
12:16 Be of the same mind with one another. Associate with the lowly.
13:8-10 Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another. Love your neighbor as yourself, which sums up the law.
14:1-15:2 Those who understand Christian liberty must accept the weak in the faith and not judge their convictions.
14:1-15:2 Sacrifice your liberty for the sake of the weak and don’t put a stumbling block in their way.
14:1-15:2 Those who don’t understand Christian liberty must not judge or hold in contempt those who do.
14:1-15:2 In matters on which the Bible is silent, you are free to participate in things which don’t offend the conscience.
16:16 Greet one another with a holy kiss.
16:17-19 Watch those who cause dissentions contrary to what you have been taught, and turn away from them.

1 CORINTHIANS
1:10, 11:17-19 Agree with one another, and let there be no divisions among you. Be of the same mind and judgment.
4:5 Do not judge the motives of men’s hearts.
5:1-13 Judge actions (not motives) of fellow believers and exercise church discipline when needed.
5:1-13 Do not associate with immoral people, and remove the unrepentant wayward brother from your fellowship.
6:1-8 Do not initiate law suits against fellow believers. Use fellow believers to arbitrate disputes.
8:1-13, 10:23-33 Do not allow your liberty to be a stumbling block to the weak, but rather give up your rights.
14:1 Pursue love.
14:13,14,28 Do not exercise the gift of tongues (i.e. in an assembly) without an interpreter.
14:27,28 Exercise the gift of tongues only two or three at most, each in turn, or else keep it to yourself.
14:1-40 Exercise the gifts in an orderly manner so as to result in maximum edification to the congregation.
15:33 Don’t be deceived. Bad communications corrupt good morals.

2 CORINTHIANS
1:4-5 Comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we are comforted by God.
6:11-18 Do not be bound together with unbelievers, for what partnership has light with darkness?
13:11 Rejoice, grow spiritually to maturity, be comforted, be like-minded, live in peace.

GALATIANS
5:14-15 Love your neighbor as yourself, which fulfills the law, but biting and devouring will consume one another.
5:26 Do not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.
6:1 If a person is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual restore him, looking to yourself lest you be tempted.
6:2 Bear one another’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ.
6:4-5 Let each examine his own work ... for each one shall bear his own load.
6:10 Do good to all men, especially to those who are of the household of faith.

EPHESIANS
4:1-2 Walk in a manner worthy of your calling, with humility, showing forbearance to one another in love.
4:3-6 Be diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
4:26-27 Be angry and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, giving the devil an opportunity.
4:29 Let no unwholesome word come from your mouth, but only that good for edification.
4:31 Put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, slander and malice.
4:32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ forgave you.
5:1-2 Be imitators of God. As beloved children walk in love, just as Christ loved you and gave Himself for you.
5:19 Speak to one another in psalms, hymns and spiritual songs, making melody in your heart to the Lord.
5:21 Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

PHILIPPIANS
1:27, 2:1-2 Walk worthy of the gospel of Christ. Stand firm and be of one mind and one spirit together for the faith.
2:3 Do nothing from selfishness, but with humility, each regard another as more important than himself.
2:4 Do not merely look out for your own interests, but also for the interests of others.
2:5-11 Have the same mind Jesus had when He left heaven, humbled Himself, became a man and died for us.
4:5 Let your forbearing spirit be known to all men. 

COLOSSIANS
3:9-10 Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self and put on the new self.
3:12-13 Put on a heart of compassion, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiving one another, as Christ forgave you.
3:14 And beyond all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.
3:16 When you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, let the word of Christ dwell in your richly.
3:16 As you sing with grace in your heart to the Lord, with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, also let the word of Christ dwell in you richly.
4:5 Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity.
4:6 Let your speech always be with grace, so that you may know how you should respond to each person.

1 THESSALONIANS
3:12-13 Increase and abound in love for one another, and for all men.
4:9-10 As to the love of the brethren, excel still more.
4:11-12 Lead a quiet life and mind your own business, as commanded, so as to behave properly toward outsiders.
4:13-18 Comfort one another with the teaching concerning the dead and the Lord’s return. 
5:11 Encourage one another and build one another up.
5:12-13 Appreciate your leaders in the Lord who instruct you. Esteem them highly because of their work.
5:14 Admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with all men.
5:15 Don’t repay evil for evil, but always seek what is good for one another, and for all men.

2 THESSALONIANS
3:6-7 Keep aloof from every unruly brother who doesn’t live according to the apostles’ teaching.
3:14-15 Note anyone who violates these instructions and disassociate from him.
3:14-15 Do not regard the unruly brother as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.

1 TIMOTHY
1:3-5 Make the goal of your instruction love from a pure heart, good conscience and sincere faith.
1:3-7 Pay no attention to those who turn aside to fruitless discussions about things they don’t understand.
5:1-2 Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but appeal to him as a father.
5:1-2 Appeal to the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purity.

2 TIMOTHY
2:24-26 Don’t be quarrelsome, but kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, correcting with gentleness.

TITUS
2:6-8 Young men, be sensible. Show yourself an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, beyond reproach.
3:2-7 Malign no one. Don’t be contentious. Be gentle, showing consideration for all men.
3:8 Speak confidently, so that those who have believed God may engage in good deeds.

HEBREWS
3:7-15, 4:7 Encourage one another against an unbelieving heart which falls away from the living God.
10:24-25 Consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, and don’t forsake assembling together.
12:14 Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord.
13:1 Let love of the brethren continue.
13:2 Don’t neglect showing hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it.
13:3 Remember the prisoners, as though in prison with them, and those who are ill treated.
13:6 We say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What shall men do to me?”

JAMES
1:19-20 Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.
1:26-27 Pure and undefiled religion is to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and keep unstained by the world.
2:1 Do not hold your faith in our Lord Jesus with an attitude of personal favoritism.
2:10-13 Act as those who are judged by the law of liberty, because no mercy will be shown to the merciless.
3:5-12 No one can tame the tongue. From the mouth comes both blessing and cursing, which should not be.
4:11 Do not speak against one another. He who does so judges the law, and is not a doer of it but a judge of it.
5:9 Do not complain against one another, that you may not be judged. The judge is standing right at the door.
5:14-18 Let him who is sick call for the elders to pray for him. The prayer offered in faith will restore him.
5:14-18 Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another. The prayer of the righteous can accomplish much.
5:19-20 Understand that turning a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and cover many sins.

1 PETER
1:22 Fervently love one another from the heart.
2:16-17 Don’t use your freedom as a cover for evil, but as bond slaves of God.
2:16-17 Honor all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king.
3:8 Be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted and humble in spirit.
3:9 Don’t return evil for evil, or insult for insult, but give a blessing instead, for you were called for this purpose.
3:13-15 Don’t fear or be troubled by those who would seek to harm you.
3:13-15 Sanctify God in your heart, and be ready to answer those who ask you of the reason of the hope in your heart.
3:16-17 Keep a good conscience so that those who revile your good behavior in Christ might be put to shame.
4:8 Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.
4:9 Be hospitable to one another without complaint.
5:5 Younger people submit to elders.
5:5,6 Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
5:6 Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time
5:7 Cast all your anxiety upon Him, because He does the caring for you.

1 JOHN
2:3-11, 4:20-21 Whoever says he is in the light and yet hates his brother is in darkness.
2:3-11, 4:20-21 Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him.
3:6-10 Don’t be deceived. The one who practices righteousness is righteous, but the one who practices sin is of the devil.
3:13-15 Don’t marvel if the world hates you. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer. Eternal life is not in him.
3:16-18 Whoever beholds his brother in need and closes his heart to him, how does the love of God abide in him?
4:7-11 Love one another, for love is from God, and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.
4:21 And this commandment we have from Him, that whoever loves God should love his brother also.
5:16-17 If anyone sees his brother committing a sin not leading to death, he shall ask, and God will give him life.
5:16-17 Do not make request for a sin leading to death.

2 JOHN
5-6 Love one another.  Love is to keep his commandments.
10-11 Do not receive into fellowship those who don’t bring this teaching. To do so participates in their evil deeds.

JUDE
3-23 Contend earnestly for the faith against ungodly men among you who are promoting immorality and rebellion.
17-19 Remember how the apostles warned you about mockers in the last time who would be immoral and divisive.
22 Have mercy on those who have been influenced by ungodly, immoral rebels but who are still willing to listen.
23 Harshly confront those who have embraced ungodly values, making a last-chance effort to save them.

NOTES AND COMMENTS

The only way to enjoy successful interpersonal relationships is to love all men unconditionally and forgive all men unconditionally. There are no less than 25 commands in the above list which command us to love. They contain a number of variations and perspectives, including love your enemies, do not return evil for evil, and love others as Jesus has loved us. There are no less than 7 commands in the list which command us to forgive others. Several make the command unconditional, and several state that failure to obey will result in our not being forgiven by God. Rather than repeat what was said on this important point, we suggest you re-read the first three sections of the NOTES AND COMMENTS in Chapter 1. The titles of the three sections are, THE TWO GREAT COMMANDMENTS, TWO COMMANDMENTS WITH SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES FOR DISOBEDIENCE, and THE CHURCH’S 2000 YEAR FAITH-WORKS DEBATE.

Having gotten that discussion back in our minds, we offer you some wise counsel which we recently received from one of our missionaries. His name is John Steinbacher. He and his family serve among the Indians in the interior of Mexico. Here it is in his own words:

“Here is the reason that I do not ask others to forgive when I am apologizing for something that I have done.  Forgiveness is an issue of the heart. I do not wish to force someone into verbalizing something that they are not really ready to do in their heart yet. Often times with an issue of forgiveness, hurt is involved, and the person that I have hurt may need some time to deal with their own issues in the thing. Namely, they may be angry with me, and just plain not ready to forgive at the time of the apology. Thus, I would rather take care of my responsibility, which is to apologize for the wrong that I have committed, and not require anything from the person at the time. Think about it. What would the need be to ask for forgiveness? Could it be selfishness? Could it not be that we are actually trying to assuage our own conscience? Could it be that we feel badly about what we have done, and we want relief? At a later date, if I feel that the person has not forgiven me, I will return to ask as a concerned brother, ARE WE OK??  We all know well that a lack of forgiveness/bitterness will destroy any one of us. This would be a totally different issue than the initial hurt. This would be pursuit of the person for his benefit rather than mine.”

As I read this brother’s wise counsel, I had these additional thoughts. God would have us be at peace with everything and everyone that touches our life. He put it all there. If you’re not at peace, repent and seek peace. Hebrews 12:14 says, “Pursue peace with all men.”  Fervently pray for anyone in your life who is angry. Study and meditate on Mt. 5:21-24 and Mt. 6:14-15. Jesus tells us that an angry person is in grave danger. We must make application of that to our own hearts, but also must be concerned for the danger others are in. If a person is angry with you, make it a top priority to seek reconciliation, and forgiveness for any part you may have in their anger. Jesus doesn’t give much more in the way of specifics than that. A huge step forward is taken when an angry person realizes that he is angry at the wrong person………..that he should be angry at God, not the person God put in his life for his ultimate good. A study of the book of Job lets us know that it’s all right to complain to God, to ask why, to even get angry with God as long as we don’t rebel against Him or threaten Him. (Jay)

I cannot respond adequately to this category of commands. It is too much for me. It encompasses all the remaining categories. I certainly believe these sayings of Christ and the apostles concerning biblical love are right and true, but I want to say the perfect things about them. I want to love you through this exercise, though we may never meet. To do this, I must unselfishly have your best interests in my heart. This message must be personal for you. I hope in this, and the following notes, you will find words that accomplish that. Remember that the only reliable truth contained in this text is the Scripture. Where our words agree with Scripture, we can be trusted and found to be love. I fear, lest anything that I might write would be found to be less than love. Please be ready to forgive me. (Dan)

We don’t really think we need to be commanded to love some people. I have an aunt like that . I wonder why we have always been so fond of her? She’s pretty, thin, and used to be blonde. That might be a part of it, but time has made those things fade, and we still adore her. She didn’t lavish us with gifts. She doesn’t remember every occasion. In fact her scattered brain only adds to her charm. What is it? When any in the family visits Aunt Janis, we feel that she is absorbed in each of us. Janis loves, and does so unconditionally. She is attractive when we invade her time and don’t find in her any selfishness. Janis exudes love and forgiveness. (Dan)

Commandments to love are not needed to respond positively to Janis. Commandments are necessary to love all the rest of us, as we either get to know one another intimately, or suspiciously remain aloof from each other. Each will eventually reveal his unpleasant side. We bite if you touch us there. We have open wounds. Give me a man or woman who has no right to expect love or forgiveness, and I have found the person these commandments were written about. (Dan)

Express love like the Lord Jesus did. Place the knife in the hand of the one who would cut you, then look him in the eye. Make the nail he will use to affix you to your cross. Allow the enemy to have the day. Loving this one requires that neither you nor your adversary is in charge. You know who really tests your love? The brethren do. Why is that? You know it’s true. (Dan)

What must I believe to love this way? How does this kind of love act? How serious is God when He says, “If you love one another, that lets you know that you know God?” How serious is God when He says, “If you don’t forgive (everything, unconditionally), I won’t forgive you?” I know I don’t naturally love like this. What is inside me as a believer that will make or let me love unconditionally? If I know I don’t love and I don’t forgive, what is missing? (Dan)

If I am to live in this life, and exhibit the qualities of love and forgiveness (undeserved and unconditional in both), I must believe and practice two truths. 1) God is in control, and I am not. 2) God has my best interest at heart. I can forgive anyone of anything, because even if the one who has wronged me has purposely done anything, he or she is not in control. God is. The perpetrator may hate me but I can love him, because God has my best interests at heart. I know this one (brother or enemy, it doesn’t matter) is only being used by God to participate negatively in God’s loving plan for my life. I absolutely must walk down a road that will afford me the opportunity to forgive and love those who wrong me. I will respond based on the degree to which I trust God in His control and His interest in me personally. “In this we know God, that we love one another. Everyone who loves is born of God. God is love.” (Dan)

This kind of love looks like Jesus behaves. It sacrifices self. It voluntarily lays aside its interests. It dies on behalf of the object of its love. It operates above circumstances. It is living sacrifice. It never fails. The loved one is treated better than self treats self. This love continues like an undying flame, like pursuing a prey, and like a lifelong walk. None is excluded; this love never sees an unqualified human. No sin is beyond its forgiveness either. I could never fully describe the scope and power of this love. (Dan)

Christ dwells, by the Holy Spirit, in all believers. This is part of the persona of a believer. If someone says to you, or you secretly say to yourself, “I will not, I do not, or I cannot love this or that person,” the unloving one must question his right to call himself a believer. God is love. Love expresses itself. “He who does not love abides in death. He who hates his brother is a murderer. No murderer has eternal life abiding in him.” (Dan)

The same expressions of dismay apply to the unwillingness to forgive. No right exists for an unforgiving spirit to expect forgiveness from God. Forgive, compelled and empowered to do so by the Holy Spirit, giving credit for such irrational behavior to the Christ who placed that behavior in you. (Dan)

Memories make us revolt against notions such as these. Stick to a literal interpretation on this one. Don’t hold on to an unloving, unforgiving position. The elect have the capacity to forgive and love anyone. They can forgive anything. Do you realize the incredible power that exists in those two statements? All the evil that ever touched any believer is covered. All hurts can become completely lame in your life right now if dealt with by such power. (Dan)

As I read through this list of commands, some verses from Psalm 119 came to my mind. Some scholars believe David did not write Psalm 119. They think it may have been written by a young Hebrew who was sitting on death row in a Babylonian prison during the captivity. Several verses are consistent with that view. The young man talks about having memorized some portion of the Old Testament, and says in many different ways that it was God’s truth in his heart that sustained him in his tribulation. Verse 165 has been a favorite of mine for many years. It says, “Great peace have they which love thy law, and nothing shall offend them.” This verse and many others in the Psalm convince me that this young man understood and believed what we refer to as Square One theology (See preface). (Jay)